Dear L ,
As long as I can remember I have always wanted to be an educator. When I was in the third or fourth grade, my mother would bring home her old grade books for me to play with. I would set up a classroom in my room complete with a library and a card catalog. When it was time for college, naturally I gravitated towards education. It was through the discernment process and a few doors closing, that I landed in the field of special education (mild-moderate). I remember sitting in one of my field study classes and getting into deep discussion about the nuances between Autism Spectrum Disorder, dyslexia, and ADHD. I remember thinking to myself, how fascinating it would be to work with and mold these minds. It was my perspective, then and now, that neurodivergence is untapped potential and creativity. These minds possess new ways of seeing the world that the neurotypical couldn't fathom. I find it beautiful, unique and inspiring.
I would have never imagined that 11 years later I would be sitting in your therapist's office as she pointed to a painting on her wall.
“What do you see, Mrs. Stokes?”
I replied, “A painting of a lonely horse.” We discussed the painting in detail.
“Do you know what your son sees?”
“A horse.”
“No, he sees a black and white painting. Have you ever heard of Autism Spectrum Disorder?”
It’s almost been a year since this conversation about ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). I can not say that the news was an easy pill for me to swallow. As an educator, I knew exactly the world you faced. It was not the world I imagined for you. As your mother, I felt guilty that I didn’t see it coming. It is my natural inclination that your life should be carefree and easy, in the sense that the grass is always green and there is continual sunshine. It’s hard for me to watch any of my children struggle with academics or social emotional intelligence deficits. I naturally want to go in, right away, and fix and kiss away any suffering.
L , I have to do something or walk the path to understand that something on a deeper level. My experience with Dyslexia, ADHD, or ASD, is no different. The summer after your diagnosis, I grappled with the literature and therapies. It dawned on me, I could go out into the world and use this hard-won degree I earned 11 years ago in hopes that by walking the path, it would lead me to a deeper understanding of neurodivergence, which I desperately craved.
The truth is, sometimes I am scared. Sometimes I am scared that I don’t have what it takes to meet each and every one of your needs–to talk you out of a loop or handle a matter of fact disagreement. To teach you to understand and think outside of a black and white box in a world that operates in the gray. In the subsequent months of teaching special education at the highschool level, I witnessed, first hand, that by serving my students, I can come home and better serve you, teaching you in the gray isn’t as daunting of a task.
Thank you for being the driving force and inspiration to my purpose, as both a mother and an educator. Thank you for the challenges we have faced together and opportunities that have stretched my endurance and understanding. Teaching me about your world, hasn’t and will-not always be easy and warm. It is my hope, when you find this letter someday, you will have the ability to read between the lines and discover the gray. Discover that a big part of my decision to go back into education was to see and understand your world on a deeper level. It was not YOU that needed to understand the gray, I needed to see and understand the black and white.
Please stay exactly as you are: wonderfully and beautifully made.
Love,
Mom
Welcome to Artifact Motherhood. This is a collaboration of artists from around the world who have come together to share our stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Through our writings and visual records we want to create memories that are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artifacts we are leaving behind for our children and for generations to come.
Go next to the wonderful artist, Diana Hagues to read her post in our blog circle.